"Where did you get that from?"
No where. I'm an adult now, it's taken me a long time to develop a thought process of my own, just as you and everyone else but I sure as hell can think for myself. I know you don't like to believe this is true but well, there is no other option now. I'm growing up and heading out. You think I'm ever so influenced by anyone that I communicate with. But we both know that's a lie so stop playing the fool. I wouldn't let someone voice for me if my life depended on it. On the other hand, if I were stupid enough to believe the things you're forcing yourself to think are true then I would still be bowing down to you, now wouldn't I?

I don't get it. You raised me well, I swear. You're killing me with this brainwash bs he's feeding you and you know but you won't do anything. I wish you would just respect the fact that my opinions, my words, my thoughts, everything I say- comes from forming my own ideas, no one else's. I'm a writer, you know that and if I were to say something someone else has told me and use it in a sense that I originally said it, that would be like plagiarizing but unofficial. Just stop.


I wake up everyday in a new bed, a new bedroom, and a new house. Well, not so new, I've been here before but I don't feel at home. Home is where I left my problems, my stress, my mom, my brother, my dog, my love, and everything I've ever known.
Yeah, I miss it but I promised myself I'd never go back to it. I've made it this far without a good father figure and I'm still ok but I'm just afraid of the fact that it's not my mom I'll be seeing every morning when I walk up the stairs after waking up each morning.
And you know what? That's exactly how it is now. It has to be.
Knowing and feeling are two complete opposites. This feels like it's temporary but I know it's not.

There's nothing I can do. It's already been done.


the words you said were subtle enough to break the ice.

I know that if you step up to the plate it'll just be to back down once more.
:/

the only thing that saved my life was the metal seatbelt pillar.


about the best night ever.

So yesterday Shna and I did nothing but lay in the his and hers chairs in the tv room since we were sore from the accident then we walked to walgreens and whatnot even though she tried to convince me to drive the busted PT Cruiser and I was like yeah lemme just hop through the window since the door doesn't open and not wear my seatbelt since it's broken.
Anyways around like 9 we decide to go for a walk and Nick texts me so we meet him at Rock Valley to go joyriding then I'm like 'hey nick! lets go to chicago' and he was totally cool with it so we end up going to chicago at midnight and then we go to his dad's apartment and pee and his dad is this straight up asian guy so it was really weird and funny. After that we go to a mcdonalds for iced coffee and no one takes our order so we leave. I can't even tell you everything that went on because it was so much.

I could not stop laughing all night.


I literally almost died tonight.
Luck is a miracle worker, seriously.

I was sitting at a red light waiting for it to turn green and a girl blew a red light at the opposing intersection and t-boned my car on the driver side. (me being the driver) Bashed in the driver side doors which are now unable to open, smashed the back driver side window in all over Jess, buckled the roof, broke the seatbelt. The airbags did not go off. If I were hit any harder I would have died.
I love my friends and I'm so sorry this happened to us tonight. You never know how fast life can be lost until it reaches the edge where it either almost happens or does.

Thank you Chad, Shna, Jess, Shna's mom and friend for all being there for me tonight.
I appreciate it so much.


when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

If I could capture moments, jar them up, and stack them on memory shelves I would. I'd take time to go through them like they were film on a projector showing me everything that went wrong with that moment on the big white screen. Maybe it'd help me to figure out why the present moments are the way they're appearing at this time. But it's never as simple as it is to say something rather than doing it. Just like now; it's easy to say you want me home but it's difficult to bring myself to put action behind that. Sooner or later I was going to depart from the family nest and it's not like either of us wanted it to come under these circumstances but we've all go a breaking point and I'm not saying I reached mine, I'm just saying I'm waiting for you to reach yours. I know that when you do we'll be reunited like we always used to be. And I miss you, I do but some thing's are just better if you change them. I left to make it easier on your part and I'm hoping it does but I know these situations don't get better and time DOES NOT heal emotional wounds. You'll figure it out, I know, I just hope it's sooner rather than later.


Now.
You're right, I am a strong girl and you proposed struggle after struggle just so I would realize that.
Well, I guess I should thank you, right? You can't hurt me anymore. I've found my guard again and you're the only person who was ever able to break it down and now you won't be able to do that anymore therefore no one else will either.
I love you but I know better.
I miss you but I know better.
I'm better now and it's all thanks to you.
A year was all it took.

You, on the other hand, are not as tough as you portray. I know you better than that. I got to you and I know I can do it all again if I so choose. BUT I don't because what I said is nothing that should have been used as an attack on you for. Then again, it's only fair that I did. And don't be silly, we could never develop a hatred for each other.

I love you just as you love me but let's keep that a secret for now.


Life is not fair. It is not fun, it is not easy, it is not free, it is not expected, it is not forgiving nor forgetting. It's life and it's the hardest thing we'll ever have to do.

We need problems because we need to learn and problems need to be solved.
I hope I'm making the right choices.


I miss you so unbelievably much.
I know you want me home.
I know it's hard for you, it's hard for me too.
I know you love me and you're being protective.
You're a strong woman, as strong as your own mother.
You're smart so I know you'll figure it out.
You're all I've got and all I'll ever have and I thank you so much.
I love you, Mom.
<3


I loved you first, I loved you first.

God, love is so cruel.
The sad thing is I still want my first love more than anything.
I'm sorry, I am needy. I need affection but I only want it from him.
I'm only as strong as my biggest weakness. I think we know what my weakness is now.
I just hope he keeps in mind that I loved him first and through thick and thin I was always, ALWAYS there and even though he doesn't want me to be, I still will, when he needs it.
Love is such a brainwash.
But I'm going to close the door because my heart is sore.
I've been taking an emotional beating the past year.
You win, I surrender. I give up. I'm doing it for once.
I said I'd never give up on us, on love, on our love but I'm doing it.
I GIVE UP.